I never imagined in my wildest dreams that this day would turn out to be one of the wildest days etched into my memories….
- Three of my colleagues got married on the same day
- I achieved a speed of 100 km/hr on my nano
- And I lost my dad.
The day began like any other,waking to the alarm,rushing through breakfast,running off to work,and in a blink it you miss it moment saying goodbye to everyone at home.And what an exhausting day it was …running around until 11.30 pm with not a moment of rest, and then finally attempting closing my eyes for what felt like less than a minute to get a call on duty from my sister,who never ever calls to say that dad was gasping.
Gasping,kms away from my workplace,I felt myself numb and all time standstill, the one time that I wished I could apparate to be with him,hold his hand,say everything was going to be okay,see if he needed resuscitation,just be with him,say all I never said in that quick span of time,all our happy moments,everything buzzed for what seemed an eternity.
But it’s just these minor moments that later turn out to be the most major life changing earthquakes in ur life ,and you finally know ,that you a doctor who helps patients meet their loved ones everyday,realises that you are NOT GOD!!
And hence there I sat helpless in recovery outside the OT waiting for someone about to scream saying it was all a prank,someone to pinch me and say it was a nightmare,but all I had was the whirls of moments and silence,absolute still stunned silence to give me company,and in seconds I had to do what any doctor would do,treat my dad like any other patient,and as a practicing anaesthesiologist waiting in a trauma hospital in the middle of the night,that’s exactly what I did.
He arrived with a lot of difficulty a whole hour later,and I gave it my whole when he got to the room,intubated him,gave him boluses of adrenaline,pumped his lungs with 100% oxygen,took his ecg again and again,checked his pupils for any sign of life,but I knew in my sinking heart that nothing could be done,and so on 23 Rd April 2016,at that moment I realised that I lost him .
Nothing has ever hit me that hard,the loss of my pets,my favourite cat Munna,favourite dogs Kanchi and Sheena (we will are animal lovers in our family,dad being the kindest caring heart you could have ever seen),nothing that I may have imagined in my most nightmarish of dreams.It’s like God tells you in his own silent way,that “Hey you don’t have a say! This is just what life is giving you,you don’t have a choice in it,move on.”
And that’s what I did,to what I can call my longest 48 hours on duty, called the near ones and dear ones,took care of my mom and little sister,fed the pets and even lit the pyre and performed my dad’s last rites with all the dignity that I could muster up.
It definitely was one if the hardest days of my life and would I would never want anybody to go through something like this in theirs.
I’ve written thus down almost nine months later in 2017,almost a year after I’ve lost my one and only dad,who was a father,my guide,my brother,my counsel,my photographer,my walking encyclopaedia,my glad to say encore audience,in short my everything.
So many months later,I still cry buckets ,whenever I hear his favourite song, eat his favourite food or even happen to stumble upon his favourite kurta.
I’m just hurt that I never got to speak to him,hear him call me eshu-la(his words of endearment for me),like he always did or even get the thump in my back which was his way of welcoming me home,saying he was always proud of me,I just got the chance to hold his warm hands and look at his serene face after he passed away knowing ,at least hoping , that he had at least looked like he had gone peacefully.
I’m gonna miss him on all the important occasions in my life,my wedding,the birth of my future children,my travel encounters,all the news I want to share with him good and bad,and in case I do marry, my future husband must know that never meeting the amazing person my dad was,he’s missed something glorious,and however amazing he maybe he never match up to my dad’s amazing standards.
I just wanted to let him know,even in this way,that I always loved him in good or bad,and I will always miss him and I hope and pray that wherever he is he will always be safe, probably play with his beloved pets in heaven,draw amazing landscapes and post amazing pictures on Instagrams heaven account, and that he has left behind a small piece of him in me and I will always make him very proud.
Love you pa.
Your little girl for eternity.
Hence on my desk,lie just memories, And my newest motto is to live like it’s your last day each day,everyday and have no regrets and what ifs ever.