Saying goodbyes…



“Au revoir”..


The list is endless,common courtesy inbuilt at a very young age,irrespective of how much you know is to learn to say a good hello,and a goodbye.

Where is the good though in goodbye,does it mean you are happy  to let go of something or someone,you are getting good riddance finally,or is it jist the way you say it,like even if i didnt like you very much but here’s a good courtesy goodbye from me.

It’s a word we don’t put much put into use until we do,and its something which actually​ commonly dealt with everyday,the sun shines it’s hi and bye every day,time says it’s version with ringing in the new year,and getting rid of the old and so on.

We give away things,emotions and family,why even our hair falling down due to stress,but it’s only when you really understand,really truly understand what and why you are saying it,when you understand it’s worth,even it’s a bye.

I’ve said it plenty of times,to parting friends,good conversations,favourite pets,and even childhood.But the word bore down on me only since the last one year.

One year down,almost and it feels like yesterday when i said it to dad as I headed out of the driveway to work.One of those normal days when nothing of significance happens until it does.Him smiling as he walked around the garden,me with my million contemplating thoughts about to pull the car of the driveway.Goodbye beta,see you soon,were probably the last words he said to me that day,thereafter only his still face rings in my mind.

The whole of that day and the next passed in a dull foggy haze,one of those days when your instinct kicks in saying wait,breathe,something’s about to happen.The optimistic conscience bumps fists thinking good stuff,and the evil pessimistic parts smirks sinisterly in a corner of your mind.And when something does happen,it’s like both your concience and you are now just silent,stunned,speechless, definitely not what either halfs had expected at all.

So on that particular day,I did one of  a my hardest goodbyes,the one to my father.Performing the last rites was one of the most difficult things I have ever done,it still feels like I did it by sleepwalking,I was dazed,and it felt like every second was stretched into months at end.When I got to my senses in that grief ,I could only see the strong faces of my mother and sister,and the serene face of my once alive father,and I knew I needed to send him with all the love and respect we could muster at that moment,and it was one of my most memorable but challenging goodbyes.

The rest of the year was a roller coaster,one on a mend,some days creaky,worn down, and others so fast it’s like I blinked and missed time, and it seemed like the one year ceremony for my dad ,would never come,the final goodbye you do to departed souls. But, one I can’t think of it as a journey really,how do you believe a person is truly gone?Two do the souls we love ever truly leave us?

I first remember my dad or pops or papa by his shoes,I remember walking into the storeroom in our old flat finding these superlative size 12 shoes ,placing my tiny feet in them and walking around the house feeling grand,I always hoped I could step into his shoes someday.I remember him getting me ready for school,putting my hair into ponytails and asking at the end of the day,school kaisa tha?

I remember growing older learning his love for food,cinema and travel ,enjoying his stories about hostel life,canteens in college,train journies and the way good food is always found when you are most hungry.

I loved coming home after my recent travels since I started to on my own,waiting for the ride back home to tell him all about them,and how irrespective of how tired he was he would love to listen and sweetly give his input on things too.

I loved bonding over movies,discussing not just the actors and the storyline but learning to appreciate the cast backstage,by waiting with dad for the end credits after every movie we watched.

I miss him everyday,every minute and every second of the day.And I hate that my supposed ritualistic goodbye is coming so soon,maybe too soon.

As a child I bid goodbye in innocence believing when mom said that someone moved on to a better place,only when I worked through medical school did I actually see what that meant.It just did that the person you loved would no longer be a beating heart,or a smiling face or a warm hug or clear voice or kind eyes.It would just be recollections of memories from your minds deepest,treasured crevices pushing you to finally know that now the person is no more ,and what exists is a mirage among the sand dunes of your memories.

Goodbyes have always been the hardest to me,and mostly they aren’t even good,we just say it to make it sound sweeter,like sugar coated pills.This time I can’t say it,probably never will be able to say goodbye,especially to him now a year later or ever,probably because those were the last words I said to him,and I wish I had recorded that moment more carefully back then.

So no,this isn’t final goodbye dad,it isn’t the end.Im gonna do a see you soon sendoff in a few days to my most loved parent, probably because I see a little of him everyday in the mirror,or when I look at my feet which also are much like his,I see him whenever I sign my entire name whose second and third names are his and in his smiling face now adorning a wall in our house.

I haven’t completely changed my opinions on the farwell bits in life,its hard to lose good people in this world ,your pillars of strength without  whom your entire world  I only crashes down.But I now know I’ve replaced that  oversweet, nauseating sugar coated bye with something better,like eating the pill as it is just in a smaller ,more likely to digest size.I replace goodbyes with ‘ see  you soons’,in the hope that in this journey of life I meet my fellow travellers again,if not in this then the next life,which rings true in this world where you are lucky to live unlike those who don’t.So to saying that goodbye to my dad after one year of being without him,it won’t be one ,it will only be instead see you again,a better version of the sorrid goodbye,in the hope we do meet again.

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again.

Wiz Khalifa,Charlie Puth (Fast and Furious 7)


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