Exactly a year ago,my life clock broke down.Life turned upside down.My well oiled machine was broken down.Everything seemed wrong and gone.All in a matter of seconds.
I begin another year from day after tomorrow,one different hopefully better,smoother and full of better sweeter surprises.
I’ve always believed I’ve been optimistic about life in general.But over the last one year that has changed.
Loss of this magnitude has left me scarred ,not completely healed,but changed definitely and maybe for the better.
I take each day like a spoonful of medicine.I take bad news with more calm,and am trying to be more sympathetic to those who have also lost.
I’ve learned to value everyone and everything around me,my best friends who’ve been with me through high and hell,my loving family,my ever-growing bundles of fluff(all my four legged babies).I’ve learned to live everyday like it’s my last,doing things off my wishlist,learning something new everyday,and most of all learning to live with grief.
Grief isn’t a bedsheet you use for a day and throw back into your storage cupboard.It’s that well worn out comfortable t-shirt you take out when you want to feel most vulnerable,yet comfortable,the memories are the soothing cup of hot chocolate you need to keep you calm.The loved ones you can still count around you are your sunflowers who look to you to help when you need them,and are the beautiful aspect of everyday life.
I’ve grown stronger in the ability to face problems head on,knowing there isn’t a safety blanket anymore to fall back upon,and have grown smarter in knowing true feelings and genuineness in people.
It’s very difficult to be with someone in loss,even more to continue to be strong capable shoulders in all of the turmoil around.I’m glad for my angels in shining armour,and for the length of the year,they are the ones I’m willing to undergo the pain all over again.
The only thing I miss is a massive piece of my tiny heart,it’s left a gaping hole,which may take even years to fill.The most toughest moments being my trips at the airport’s,and my troubles with everything,I know now what each minute was worth.
I carry my father’s name as a continuum of me,where he ended..My life as a strong person begins and I hope that the years ahead can only help with the healing.
I only wish I had a phone call,a last chance to have a conversation with you,one with no time limits,where I could only say how loved you were and will always be.To me you meant home, security and sense,be with me always.
P.s.I’ve started writing poetry/poems of sorts.This one is dedicated to you dad.
When I get off the plane
Weary and fatigued,
And walk into the busy airport lanes,
I wish to search for eyes who search mine back,
And when our eyes meet,it will feel like all the stars have aligned in space,
The world has come to a standstill,
And all left is us and our happy faces.